my slennesh chapters fluff

The descendants of manus were a devout near fanatical group of marines that have a deep seething hatred for slennesh(since killed there primarch). Wherever a group of slennesh marines are found fighting the descendants of mannus are there as fast possible. During the siege of Utoiy the descendants of manus drove the angels of ecstasy back into the deeply polluted river valley of Guanhang after a vicious firefight . it looked as if it were to be deadlocked forever but then the descendants of mannus all enecpectadly sent 8 rinos crashing up the enemy lines much to the traitor marines surprise they contained no troops, instead they were used to disperse smoke and distract the enemy heavy weapons whiles in the mean time they entire force of marines emerged from the underground tunnels where the angels of ecstasy were storing there supplies they emeged undecected form the rear and the entire force of 389 marines decimated the remaining 126 traitors..... or so they thought in the last defying gesture the remaining 18 marines summoned a warp gate and retreated inside most marines would have left it at that but not the descendants of manus.



As they trveled through the warp they discovered the angels of ecstasies home planet but much to there surprise there were no combatents mearly pleasures
that could be sampled at there own will they resisted pleasure that would have driven mortal men and even other space marines insane, then as they left the base 1600 cultist assailed them easily driving them back, they found there chaplain wounded they pushed on then fortified in trenches 4000 cultists fired upon them there chaplain was dead they were isolated alone there for what seemed like an eternity, then it seemed as they angels of ecstcys abandoned base was moving towards them. they broadcasted blasphemes messages from there heavily fortified gates, these messages started to drive the marines insane. But not before they launched a last desperate offensive killing the angels of ecstasy to the lat man, but the seeds of heresy were already planted and when ordered to destroy the base the majority of the marines turned on there chapter master. the commander of the 4 company declared himself the new leader as they all indulged n the pleasure, eventually once they had exhausted all of there slaves. the chapter started making hit and run raids toward isolated agri worlds, thus when they toucherd the slaves they shouted damm you all to hell those damm pirites those damm brigadeers earning themselves the name the brigadeerrs of debothcey.

please comment/criticize

Quite the read...

You need someone to proofread this Ben, it is near unreadable, one long continous run-on sentence. I know you are excited to write it all down, but keep focused, I can see your concentration over-ruled by excitement half way through the read. As for fluff, very interesting. Some pointers:

-Almost half an entire chapter of space marines can take a few thousand paltry cultists. Change that number to 300,000 cultists and you may be getting close.

-Its "brigadiers of debauchery", not "brigadeerrs of debothcey".

- I would put an intro at the start stating that the B of D were originally the Sons of Manus before they turned traitor. I was confused as to who they were.

ya i am working on my writing i swear, i do the same thing at school, my mind goes faster then my hands and my punctuation is terrible.

Understandable! You have a great imaginaion, you just need to slow down, remember, bad grammar and sentence structure can ruin all those cool ideas you want to tell everyone.

yes i know everyone tells me that