Dave's Guide to Talking Trash

Greeting fellow Mordenheimer..en..ites...ians. Over the past three weeks, it has come to my attention that some members of this league are not as skilled at poking fun at others, or "talking trash" as it is sometimes known, asx they could be. This is regrettable, for "trash talk" can be a very enjoyable part of the Mordheim experience. So, in order to enhance the overall gaming experience for players young and old, I now present: Dave's Guide to Talking Trash.

There are three basic things to remember when talking trash.

1. Everybody sucks but you. This fact is the foundation for any worthwhile trash talk. Some will suggest that because they have repeatedly and soundly thrashed your warband, that your warband is not a good warband, and that you are not good at Mordheim. This is not true. They were just lucky, next time you will destroy them, because everybody sucks but you.

2. Every warband but yours is broken and unfair. This includes warbands that are the same race/type as yours, but played by different people. These people have cheated and managed to make the same rules that are grossly unfair to you give them huge advantages that the designers of the game never intended.

3. There is absolutely no question that you will lay down the worst beating in the history of human civilization on your next opponent. This is true regardess of your warband's rating, size or long history of losses.

What's that you say? You're ready to go out and start talking some trash? Ha Ha. Slow down there, we're not quite through yet. We've just covered the basics.

Now that you’re in the right frame of mind, the first step towards talking trash is to pick a target. The natural choice is your next opponent. A good trash talking will leave an upcoming opponent stunned and confused, the perfect setup to your victory. Additionally, a really good trash talking might make your opponent so angry that he or she charges at you headlong, therefore walking right into your perfectly placed trap.

A good second choice for a trash talking might be the last person who managed to achieve a lucky, broken victory over you. This person obviously cheated, and so deserves a trash talking. You know they cheated because a)everybody sucks but you, b) they used a broken warband and c) you totally should of won that game. Therefore they are completely deserving of whatever names you wish to call them.

The third option when choosing a victim of your trash is to fuel a feud between you and another player. Feuds are good, and long feuds full of grudge matches and trash talking are even better. You’ll know it’s a good feud when you can’t remember why you hate that person so much, and you don’t even care. You just want to kill every warband they play down to the last figure.

Finally, we come to the heart of trash talking: the insults. When choosing insults, it is wise to direct most of your trash at your victim’s warband, and not at the victim’s appearance, style of dress or hygiene. While these might seem like perfect targets for trash, they are far more likely to get you beat up in a parking lot than making fun of a model of an elf. Parking lot beatings should be avoided at all costs. If you wish to mock an opponents warband, a good start is to suggest that it could be defeated by a very ineffectual foe. For example:
My good fellow, I do believe that your warband would in fact lose a fight with a group of untrained toddlers!

Another tactic that will hold you in good stead is to suggest that a warband is composed chiefly of cowards. You could say something like this:
After I have given your Skaven a sound beating, I do believe that they shall probably go home to their mothers and cry, because they are cowards.

Not only does this force your victim to realize that his warband is full of cowards, but you have also introduced the theme of their mothers, which you can return to later for the killing blow! Like so:
Ahoy there chum! Your leader seems to be dead. This is not surprising, because his mother is very fat! Ha Ha Ha.

Once you feel you have mastered these introductory trash-talking techniques, feel free to experiment with new ways of talking trash. So, until next time, goodbye, and may all your trash be sweet.